Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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