you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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