I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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