No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
They took my balls.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
