when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
