He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Randomize
