Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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