Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
