I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
