I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
