At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
