So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
