i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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