Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
