Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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