I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
