just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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