meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
