Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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