Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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