there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
