do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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