I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
