Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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