what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
