Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
