If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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