is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
