When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
