dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
