dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
