I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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