The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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