I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
