At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
