wakey wakey hands off snakey
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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