You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
