Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
