The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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