my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
