my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
