I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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