Moan for me like Helen Keller
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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