my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
