is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
