Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
