I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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