I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
