I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
