last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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