Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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