I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
