Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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