Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
