if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
