i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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