Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
